The Real Reason You Get the ‘Ick’—And It’s Not About Them

Why Getting the 'Ick' is a Neurotic Pride Reaction, According to Karen Horney

We’ve all been there: one moment, we’re enamored with someone, and the next, we’re inexplicably repulsed by something minor—how they chew, their laugh, the way they pronounce a word. This sudden shift, colloquially known as “getting the ick,” is often dismissed as a simple turn-off. But Karen Horney’s psychoanalytic theory suggests there’s something deeper at play. In Neurosis and Human Growth, Horney discusses the concept of neurotic pride and the idealized self-image, both of which can illuminate why the ick might not just be about them—but about us.

The Idealized Self and Neurotic Pride

Horney posits that neurotic pride emerges when we develop an idealized self-image—a version of ourselves that is superior, flawless, and distinct from our real, imperfect self. This idealized self is upheld by rigid standards, which we use to judge not only ourselves but also others. When someone we’re dating does something that doesn’t align with our idealized vision—whether it’s a clumsy joke or an awkward mannerism—our neurotic pride reacts with contempt or revulsion.

Instead of recognizing this discomfort as a reflection of our own internalized expectations, we project the discomfort outward, experiencing it as an “ick.” It feels like an instinctual aversion, but it’s often the result of our own unconscious anxieties about how their behavior reflects on us or disrupts our curated fantasy of romantic perfection.

The Tyranny of Shoulds and the Romantic Fantasy

Another key aspect of Horney’s theory is the “tyranny of shoulds”—the relentless demands we place on ourselves to conform to our idealized self. In relationships, we unconsciously extend these “shoulds” to our partners: they should be effortlessly confident, should have impeccable social grace, should meet an unspoken standard of desirability. When they inevitably deviate from these unrealistic expectations, the neurotic pride mechanism kicks in, and the ick follows.

At its core, getting the ick is often a rejection of vulnerability—our own and our partner’s. Their awkwardness, their humanness, threatens the illusion of perfection we unconsciously strive for, leading to a defensive retreat. The irony is that the very thing we often crave in love—deep connection—requires embracing the messiness of real people, not idealized projections.

Moving Beyond the Ick

If we recognize the ick as a neurotic pride reaction rather than an objective disqualifier, we can approach it with curiosity instead of knee-jerk avoidance. The next time an ick arises, ask: What idealized expectation is being threatened? Am I reacting to them, or to my own discomfort with imperfection? By bringing awareness to these unconscious patterns, we open the door to more authentic, compassionate relationships—ones that make space for both the charming and the cringeworthy aspects of being human.